Welcome, dearly beloved readers. Given that I already blessed you guys with the greatest breakfast of all time, Zak’s Overnight Oatmeal Recipe, I figured it was time to key y’all into the second major meal of the day: Lunch.

Now, a fair warning: this meal exists not because it is a gourmet assembly of ingredients, but rather for being as simple to make as possible. That means lots of microwaving and stuff out of a can. If you are deft with your movements, I think this meal can go from ingredients in your fridge to a bowl on your table in under 5 minutes. That said, it is a fairly gruesome meal when it’s all said and done. Some might even call it an abomination, and for that reason I don’t necessarily recommend that you actually try it.

Nevertheless, this meal is proper healthy! I was on a Zoom call earlier this summer with our U.S. Ski Team nutritionist Jessica LaRoche and upon hearing about this meal she said, “Keep up the great work, Zak!"

Now that I have built up some anticipation, let’s get into the recipe:

RECIPE:

INGREDIENTS:

• Great Value 90 Second Microwaveable Jasmine Rice Pouch

  • Trigger warning on unnecessary waste of plastic, I am just throwing this one in there for it being the quickest possible version. You can also just make 1 cup dry rice in a pot or rice maker.

• 1 can of Tuna, any brand

  • Jessica L. did not think the mercury thing was a concern so long as you don’t eat tuna terribly often.

• 1 hefty scoop of sauerkraut

  • We are now in the hefty scoop section of the recipe

  • This brand of sauerkraut is my favorite, you can find it at Costco

• 1 hefty scoop of cottage cheese

  • Are you really surprised to see cottage cheese on here?

• 1 hefty scoop of canned black beans

  • Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot

• 1 hefty scoop of guacamole

  • Pre-made mix from the store works super well, otherwise can just physically cut up half of an avocado and mash it into a paste

• 1 hefty dumping of marinara sauce

  • Marinara sauce is just premium ketchup

• 1 firm squirt of Liquid Aminos or Soy Sauce

  • Depending on your preference — great for adding some salt

  • You can also just add salt if you don’t have either of these

• Some black pepper on top

DIRECTIONS:

This will be easy!

1. Find a massive bowl. It should be comically large to minimize chances of spillover.

2. Add your rice to the bowl and then empty the contents of your can of tuna atop the rice.

3. Add the hefty scoop of Sauerkraut.

4. Add the hefty scoops of cottage cheese, black beans, and guacamole.

5. Top with marinara sauce

6. Add the liquid aminos and some black pepper

7. Stir that shit up and enjoy!

CONCLUSION

Zak Ketterson LLC and all related enterprises hereby WAIVE, RELEASE, AND DISCHARGE from any and all liability, including but not limited to, liability arising from the negligence or fault of the entities or persons released, for my death, disability, personal injury, property damage, property theft, or actions of any kind which may hereafter occur to me as a result of following and consuming this recipe.

And that’s it! This recipe is about as simple as it gets. Try it at your own risk! I actually think it tastes pretty good, but maybe I am just a barbarian. All I can say about it for sure is that it’s cheap, healthy, and insanely fast/easy to make. If those are the three standards for a good meal, then this one is about as good as it gets. Thank you for tuning in to my blog.